Discovering True Love

I feel a soul connection with my motorcycle. The second I touch it, I feel an instant bond, like we’re hard wired for life. I hit the start switch and am instantly one with my bike. The pulsing of her engine and the beat of my heart, coupled with the rhythm of the Earth—all dancing to the song of my soul, the world seemingly stopping as I enter into an almost surreal realm of existence—unite in sacred rhythm. All I feel is pure joy—no expectations, no demands, no judgments—I’m just going for a ride. My energy becomes completely fused with the bike, as if one entity the entire time we are together, in complete harmony with one another’s melody and that of everything surrounding us, dancing as one. Our moves aren’t orchestrated, they just flow and they work beautifully together, as I travel down the road completely immersed in the moment.

I have a lot of fun on that motorcycle. She takes me to all kinds of new places without hesitation or breakdown as we explore new landscapes together. We push beyond our comfort zone a little bit here and there just to watch the magic unfold. There’s no separation between me and that machine, we travel seemingly welded and working in sync with one another, the perfection unmatched—pure nirvana. When we’re apart, due to life’s circumstances and responsibilities, I feel a void within my soul along with a yearning to be in that state of total connection—effortless bliss—exactly what I imagine true love to be.

My soul is constantly yearning for the joy of discovery and my motorcycle satisfies that desire. That bike may be the only true love I have right now, trusting that this road I’m traveling is leading me to a landscape larger than the one I, or anyone else can see.
So, start living like there’s no tomorrow because, really, there never is.

Unlocking Possibility

Mind, body, and soul are in a constant process of evolution. While the mind and body slowly deteriorate with age, the soul’s desire for expansion and growth increase with it.
You are here to experience joy and your soul’s job is to push you in the direction of that joy, always. What may appear to us as pain, misfortune, sadness, etc., is really just a stepping stone necessary to get you past where you are or were, to where you really desire to be—where you belong. It really comes down to having the balls to cross the line when the desire out weighs the illusions of comfort and security.
That’s your soul’s way of screaming, “Can you hear me now?”

Drowning out or ignoring the call is a slow and miserable death. Every time you ignore the call and surrender to mediocrity, security, the norm—status quo--you’re killing off an aspect of your Self. Muffling or shutting out the call promotes premature aging and addictions, pulling you further away from your heart’s truest desires and from who you truly are and want to be. For years I found myself covering it up, shutting it up, choking it off, locking it out—my mind trying to preserve what it knew as safety and security—locking all known doors to freedom, afraid of what that might look like. Thinking everything out there was potentially bad and would never be any better than what I once had. I allowed others to dictate my every move only to find me, in the silence, screaming at myself. I sure appeared messy at first, but letting it all go sure as hell opened doors that would have forever remained closed off to opportunities offering the utmost blissful life experiences.

I spent a lot of time and energy desperately attempting to shut that calling up, lock it out, and keep it away, allowing my conditioned mind to control me, overcome me, and have me believe I was doomed for the worst life had to offer. I let the voices of others dictate my life instead of taking charge of it for my Self. I allowed them to make me responsible for the way they felt—hurt, miffed, or uncomfortable—regarding my choices/desires; demons trying to steal my soul because they believe people outside of themselves are responsible for their happiness and (illusion of) security. I wasn’t placed on this Earth to crucify myself for the sake of another/others. I’m certain I am here to resurrect my Self and fully live life as that Self—the person I truly am—fully experiencing life and truly living it.

The soul longs for a connection to like-minded spirits— kindred spirits—those who reflect and magnify our true essence and lead us to experience and radiate pure love. When we separate ourselves from those connections, the soul yearns for it and seeks it out, desiring nothing more for the Self than to shine purely as itself. It seeks to lead you to the best circumstances and people to make that magic happen for you. Sometimes you just have tell your mind to shut up and listen.

I’ve run the circuit of locking myself into the past, holding onto what felt right and perfect and good, afraid to let it go for fear there will be nothing better. In the process I shut out what could be. Instead of opening the windows and doors to invite possibility, I locked it out.

Forget about the way you thought it should look and open yourself up to seeing it the way that it could be. You may experience an entire world you never even thought possible. You may even like it.

TRUTH vs. TRUTH

To me, there are two types of truth. A scientific, provable truth like, if you touch a hot stove, you’ll burn your hand. Then there’s truth sense, felt only by each individual, not measurable by any rational, concrete means—just an inner knowing, an energy force—a sense so knowing to the essential self, and so strong, it just takes over mind—all conditioning, programming, coercion. Mind says a lot of shit. I’ve learned to tell mind to get out of my way so I can follow that force—what I feel to be truth, and just let mind take a back seat. I haven’t mastered it, though I’m getting better. Mind is just doing what it was designed to do. Protect me from whatever it has learned to be bad, dangerous, or immoral.

What I perceive to be truth is not what the majority perceive it to be. Never has. For as long as I can remember, I hid my own truth, let the status quo win over my heart. I buried my “voice” for 45 years, afraid of ridicule, not fitting in, not doing what made others happy, not being approved of for the choices I made. Truth, my truth, makes me tick. For me, it’s a tingling of the skin, rushing through every cell of my body saying, “Yes, this is me!” I know when it’s ticking. It’s undeniable and I have insatiable energy. And I know when I get that ugly, shitty feeling in my gut and my throat starts to constrict, there’s an attempt being made to squelch my truth by my mind, or others’ minds.

I used to place a lot of emphasis on doing what made other people happy, not stirring the pot. I’m through. The emphasis is now on the importance of my truth. If someone doesn’t like what I say, do, or feel, that’s OK. I have spent way too much time trying to make other people happy because of what they felt to be truth.

I have always been an extremely intuitive person. I had premonitions and visions as a kid that freaked people out, especially my mom. I became afraid of them. It took me a long time to recover that—to let it be again, own it, and trust it. Truth to me is when the body/heart/soul says “fuck you” to the mind, jumps on the road, and cranks the throttle. The result—pure, unmistakable joy!

There’s truth of the mind and truth of the heart. We need both to survive. I prefer to place greater emphasis on the truth of the heart, which I believe has its own mind, even if no one else does.

BEAUTY COMES FROM A GREAT HEART

I wonder how many people I’ve let pass through my life because I was so focused on superfical elements, never taking the time to look into their heart and discover their true make-up—examine the treasures of who they truly are at their core?

I wonder how many times I missed being "wildly, desperately, completely, nakedly in love...baying at the Moon,” because I was so hung up on what other people thought?

I wonder how many people continue going south at sunset when their heart is pulling them north at sunrise?

I wonder how many will never experience true love in their life because they’re afraid to “get the fuck out of Dodge?”

When you let go of how you think it’s supposed to look, Life happens. When you look deeply into the eyes of another—straight into their soul, you come to know the depth of your own.

Start A Revolution

“Revolutions invent and destroy and they only go one way. It’s like watching a confused person in a revolving door for the first time. They push backwards, try to slow it down, fight the rotation…and then they embrace the process and just walk and it works.”
What I'm hearing from those words, stated in
Seth Godin's blog, describes life choices as I’ve experienced them.

When desiring to change some aspect of my life or self, I’m in essence starting a revolution. Something needs to be invented while something else needs to be destroyed. Once I’ve committed myself to the process, there’s no turning back because the essence of my self—true me, will not allow it. Perhaps it’s like jumping out of an airplane. Once you take that first step, you’re committed. Trying to turn back or stop the process would be impossible and may even kill you. The end result of that first step, I'm guessing, is euphoric with no regrets.

The process of change itself, is like the revolving door analogy. I walk in because I know it’s the way through to my heart’s desires. Once the door behind me encapsulates me, I may feel trapped and get a little scared. Panic may set in while fear begins to inhibit my rational thought process. I may want to back out, but the momentum has already begun. I may try to slow down the process for fear of moving too quickly in a direction of uncertainty, even though my heart is screaming for me to move forward.

Who you are at the core, your essential self, knows your truth—knows "this is it." At the same time, mind tells you stories of doom and gloom, failure and inadequacy. After all, its job is to keep you safe, not happy. And what’s familiar feels safe, even though it may not feel good. When you offer no resistance to the pull of your heart, move with it and embrace the process, you will walk right through that revolution and discover the rewards for biting the bullet. Surrender! It’s not a trap—it’s the passageway to freedom.

RIDE YOUR LIFE

Life is a ride. Unexpected variables often enter the journey. They may throw me off course or take me to places or through experiences I never imagined. Sometimes they stop me dead in my tracks, other times they skew my sense of direction, leaving me completely disoriented. When I let my heart take the lead, I always find my way. So, I try to accept the variables as they come because they are what truly create the adventure. They make the experience just that—an experience.

I can't straighten the roads, smooth out the bumps, or widen the curves, I just ride them however they may present, or represent, themselves. I don't resist anything that shows up on the road. I ride with it, avoid it, or ride around it.

When I'm intrigued by a road, my heart pulling me in its direction, I just have to take it to see what's there and where it will lead me. At times it may be a dead end, others times a difficult to navigate dirt or gravel road, yet most often it’s a blissful discovery of beauty, leading me to even more spectacular roads I would have otherwise missed.

When I end up on a road that has me feeling agitated and dissatisfied, I get off of it as fast as I can. The discomfort I’m feeling is my heart telling me where I don’t belong, and that it’s time to find a new road to travel.

I like taking back roads. The ones most pass by for whatever reason—apprehension, insecurity, conditioning. I like the roads others fear or sneer at. That’s where I sense true freedom. That’s where I feel euphoric. That’s where I find me. And nature and my Self become one.

Riding Out Resistance

4:00 AM: Up to check emails that filtered in overnight and to hammer away at a few writing projects while not a creature was stirring. 5:30 AM: Ready to give my laptop and phone a whip off the deck into the wild black yonder. Reality and my plans had not been collaborating for the past several days and it wasn’t looking good for today either.

Leaving my neighborhood to take my boys to school, I noticed my “For Sale by Owner” sign on the side of the highway was missing. That was the last straw. I couldn’t contain myself any longer. The gasket blew. My 11 year-old piped softly from behind, “It’s OK, Mom. Let it out.” Piping very loudly inside of my head was the voice, “What’s the flippin’ message now?” “What lesson am I up for now?” “Can’t I just get a break from this shit?” “Stop the world and let me off, preferably somewhere in the Rocky Mountains near Bozeman!”

I didn’t walk my kids into the school building, they understood. I looked like I just lost everything I ever had…and maybe that’s exactly what was happening. The old practices were dying, yet struggling to hold onto familiar ground, not completely ready to let go. After all, they’ve gotten pretty comfortable (though unproductive) here over the years.

Driving to my favorite secluded running trail, I started wailing and screaming like a child, “What gives?” My heart fires right back at me, “Why do you keep trying so hard to push the river?” “Good one,” I say to myself, and think, “I’m burning myself out trying to push against obstructions and currents.” Again, the heart speaks, “Give yourself a break and just flow with it, obstacles and all. You’ll handle it.”

I hopped on that trail leaving a barrage of rubbish as I disappeared into the woods. The more I lightened the load in my mind, the more sensitive I became to my surroundings. I began to notice how many more birds were chirping, the emerging buds on the ends of branches, and the soil and waters peaking through winter’s vanishing veil. The subtle indications of spring forthcoming were transpiring right before me and in my pushing to try to make things happen, I lost sight of the signs of growth beneath my own veils.

As I neared the trail’s end, I walked down to a segment of the river still covered with ice. I lay down on top of it, my ear flush with the surface, listening while absorbing the energy of the moving water; my body relaxing and loosening its grip. As I allowed more rubbish to ride away with the river, I focused on the sounds of its movement and the voice of the river amplified. Good Medicine!

When you quiet the mind and listen with your heart, everything begins to become clearer and louder. And when the shit comes at you faster than you think you can handle it, acknowledge and accept the obstacles, drop your guns, and ride it out.

The river may be frozen on the surface, but the energy beneath is constant. Like nature, the heart is constantly speaking. Sometimes you just have to stop focusing on what you see so you can hear what’s being spoken. Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen. And other times, you just have to throw your guts up on the pavement so you can.