This is the story of how my boys earned the name “The Toilet Busters.” If you read the Door County Chronicles back in July, I had promised to write it this winter. Here it is!
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(a.k.a. This is the Dawning of the Age of the Toilet Busters)
'Twas the night before Christmas, in my sister’s old house,
creatures were stirring, though quiet as a mouse;
The gingerbread houses, decorated with little to spare,
Manifestation of sugar ingested soon would be there;
The children were whispering ‘round the commode,
With questions of mystery, planning some secret episode?
Mamma’s thinking they must be taking a crap,
As she settled down for a little nightcap.
Then out of the bathroom there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from our chairs to see what was the matter.
Away to the powder room we flew like a flash,
Tore open the door, investigating the crash!
Two moons on the breast of the antique tank cover
Now broken in pieces, young boys in a hover.
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But the workings of a toilet, how clever and queer!
“With a little old lever, so lively and quick,
It took but a moment and had such a kick .”
More rapid than eagles the family they came,
They snickered, and doubted, and called them by name;
"Now, Schuyler! Now, Wyatt! Just what were you fixen?
Oh, Come on! Who did it? Oh, blunder damn shitzen!"
To the top of the stairs and down the back hall,
to put the trash away, crash away, all!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
They meet with an obstacle, Uncle Randy up high.
So up to the computer the three of them flew,
Checking radar for a sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard up above,
Dancing and prancing from the two that I love.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the stairs they came with a bound.
They dressed in fury, from head to foot,
“Let’s get home! He’s getting closer with the loot!”
A bundle of gifts I had flung on my back,
A pack mule and two kids wanting to hit the sack.
Their eyes -- how they drooped! Their yawns how merry!
Their innocent poses looking quite weary!
Though they wanted to sleep, I just had to know,
What really happened around that old toilet bowl.
“The stump of the lever was just in our reach,
It encircled the tank but had just one breach;
We had to push down instead of going around,
That shook the tank top, it slid off with a bound.
It was chubby and plump, a right jolly old bowl,
And we laughed when we saw it, in spite of what we’d been told;
A wink of an eye and a twist of the head,
Soon let us know we had everything to dread;
We spoke not a word, but went straight to work,
telling the family; ‘My brother’s a jerk!’
Then dropping our heads, looking straight at our toes,
We apologized for the action we chose.”
They snuggled into car seats without a tousle or wrassle,
And away we all flew down the “I” to our castle.
The family exclaimed, ere we drove out of sight;
“Toilet Busters were born here this Christmas night.”
"Good rid dins to all, and to all a good-night."